Did I marry a Narcissist?
Did I marry a Narcissist?
Often people come into counselling for this question.
Did I marry a narcissist, a sociopath, or someone with zero empathy?
This is very distressing to people. They spend all night reading up on these social disorders and watching videos on youtube that confirm the belief that there is something inherently wrong with their partner. This seems to make sense. 'Why else would they continue to do the behaviours that hurt me the most’. In relationships, someone can spend years begging and pleading for their partner to stop doing the things that hurt them so much. Yet through these years, nothing changes, and it appears that they don't even care that they are hurting you in the first place.
Yes, this is alarming behaviour. This lack of caring hurts, and we go to look for answers. The internet is filled with articles like ‘13 signs you married to a narcissist’ and ‘how to know if your spouse is a narcissist.’ Listing many frustrating symptoms like getting criticized, the silent treatment or feeling manipulated. Soon it truly feels like, “This explains everything. I have truly married a narcissist.” That something must be wrong with my partner to treat me this way. And it is true that if our partner lacked all empathy and was intentionally doing these things just to hurt us, that is very concerning behaviour.
However, it is important to remember that a true narcissist or a true sociopath is exceptionally rare. And there may be something else going on.
Let's break down a typical timeline of how most relationships work.
When relationships start, we sense that our partner is interested in us. They hear us, want to be with us, and care about what we are going through. Because of this, we are more open with them. In this phase, much sharing happens, and the couple grows closer. It is a beautiful time, and we can feel that love connection.
Inevitably, as we share and are open, maybe one time, we get a different response from our partner. A response that felt less good than it usually does. At that time, we think, "it's still ok. I know my partner still loves and cares for me. Even though this one time did not feel good, I can trust that my partner is still there for me." This little hurt creates a vulnerability, an area of the relationship that does not feel as good, so we protect that area and avoid the place that feels bad. Over time more and more of these vulnerabilities build. A downward cycle begins to form. The more we protect and avoid, the more that close attachment decreases. More and more vulnerabilities stack, and we become defensive and feel unsafe. No longer trusting our partner cares about us anymore.
At the end of this cycle. The same thing that our partner did at the beginning of this cycle that "did not feel good," but we thought, "that's ok, they still love me." Now that the relationship has so many vulnerabilities. We see the same action and think, "They must hate me" or "They must be hurting me on purpose."
The signs and symptoms of this common marital struggle:
Disconnection, criticism, feeling hurt and manipulated, silent treatment, walking on eggshells, lying, and many others.
This is a common progression that many relationships go through. No one in this scenario is attempting to hurt their partner. Usually, both people try to keep the relationship safe by defending against vulnerabilities that don't feel good. However, the more we protect, the more vulnerabilities we create. In the end, there is a loss of connection.
Is it possible that you are married to a narcissist? Yes, that possibility always exists. However, the more likely explanation is that the relationship is complicated, we struggle to connect, and both people are in protection mode. The more we protect, the greater the distance and the less we can understand what our partner is going through because we are experiencing so much pain.
The good news! You are not alone in this.
Like Dr. Google having all physical symptoms leading to cancer, the same is true for marital distress to narcissism. But thankfully, that is very rarely the actual case. With help and support, you can rebuild your relationship into the healthy connection you need and desire.
Marriage Counseling can be highly beneficial to help recreate a feeling of safety and connection.
