The Foundation of Safe Relationships

Commitment and trust are the two walls a relationship actually stands on. They take years to build, and they are what make the relationship feel safe. When either one gets damaged, that safety goes, even if the couple still looks fine from the outside.

How these walls crack

Commitment usually cracks in a pretty ordinary way. The fight ends with someone threatening to leave. “Maybe we should just be done.” “If this is how it’s going to be, I’m out.” Once or twice, that can be someone at the end of their rope. When it becomes how conflict closes, it puts cracks in the wall. The other person starts managing the mood instead of saying what is true, because telling the truth might end the relationship. Plans start to feel temporary. You can have a good week and still be waiting for the next time someone puts the marriage on the table.

Trust is the one that can go fast. The quickest way I see it destroyed is the three A’s: abuse, addictions, and affairs. Abuse says the relationship is not a safe place to stand. An addiction pulls time, money, honesty and, most importantly, priority somewhere else. An affair, sexual or emotional, breaks the sense that my partner cares and has my back. Any one of those can punch a hole in a wall that took years to build. Staying clear of the three A’s is how that wall stays intact. Not perfect behaviour. Just not harming, not hiding a dependence, and not giving away what you promised the person you chose.

A note on safety: if there is abuse or violence in your relationship, couples counselling may not be helpful. Individual support and a safety plan come first. In an emergency, call 911.

Rebuilding trust takes work

Once trust is damaged, it does take work to repair. Asking for it back does not rebuild it. Changed behaviour, honesty that costs something, and enough time for the other person to believe it again: that is the work. I sit with couples on exactly that. The rebuild is slower than the break, and both people have to be in it.

If an affair is part of your story, my article Can a Marriage Survive an Affair? goes deeper.

The two walls hold each other up. It is impossible to feel close to someone you don’t feel safe with. If separation is still how fights end, date nights will not fix the commitment. If there has been abuse, an addiction, or an affair and it has not been owned, reassurance will not fix the trust. Safety comes back when the harmful actions stop and both partners commit to rebuilding the trust that was lost.

I work with couples all the time on building safe relationships, where it is no longer a risk to feel close and where both partners can be intimate and let the other person in. If you’re in Regina and want help rebuilding commitment and trust, learn more about couples counselling with me.

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